The “Melted Brain” phase
By Corrie Lynne Player
9-6-06

I’ve said several times that teenagers (meaning kids between the ages of 10 and 21) are part child, part adult and part alien, and parents seldom know which part they’re facing at any given moment.
I’ve also pointed out that teen brains go through a period of disconnecting that makes them prone to react emotionally and do odd or stupid things. I’ve dubbed this period of disconnection, the “Melted Brain” phase.
As you’ve shared with me examples of your kids’ brains melting, I’ve tried to reassure you that you can cope and enjoy this tumultuous time of life by relying on a power greater than yourself and a sense of humor.
By a sense of humor, I don’t mean making light of situations that are serious and deserve thoughtful, prayerful consideration. I do mean that you’re in charge of your own emotions and shouldn’t allow anger and guilt to paralyze you or cause you to act negatively toward your children.
It’s been my observation that you need to act most loving toward your children when they are the most unlovable, when they’re sullen, defiant or obnoxious. By “loving” I don’t mean giving them everything they want or allowing them to hurt others.
You can say, “Calling your sister a stupid nerd isn’t acceptable. Apologize and think about why you would call her names.” But you should say these words to the offender in private. Reprimanding one child in front of another is usually a bad idea. Discipline for any kid of any age should be done in private, so that embarrassment doesn’t compound the situation.
Teenagers are especially sensitive to embarrassment. Most of them think “Everybody’s looking” at them, a condition that psychiatrists have labeled the “On Stage” syndrome.
When you take your kid aside to deal with discipline issues, always start the session with a hug, a loving comment, or other positive act that feels right to you. Never just launch into recriminations. In fact, try to spend a few moments talking about neutral or interesting topics. Your child will be defensive, especially if you’ve had to intervene in a quarrel or have caught him or her breaking a rule.
Note: don’t just have private talks with your teen when you want to discipline him or her. Find as many opportunities as you can to talk or just “hang out.”
Most of all, don’t yell. That’s easy for me to say now, but it was hard for me to do when my kids were fighting or I discovered my son hiding in his closet when I thought he’d left for school.
Many of you have told me that you scream at your kids and feel awful afterward, but you do it again and again.
So, how do you stop yelling and respond appropriately when your kid irritates, defies, or ignores you?
That old adage of “counting to ten” before speaking is a good one. When your first impulse is to yell, don’t. Count to ten—you can even let your kid know you’re counting. You’re teaching him or her how to respond when angry or thwarted. Yelling will simply teach him or her it’s OK to yell.
Demonstrate that thinking things through is the best way to react to an unpleasant situation. When you do say something, say it in a calm, pleasant tone of voice. Next, say how your kid’s behavior makes you feel. For example, “When you leave the house without permission, I think you don’t respect me as your parent.”
Give your kid a chance to explain or defend himself, without yelling or emotional outbursts. If either or both of you are too angry to talk quietly and politely, call a time out to cool off. Then turn to God to guide you and ask your kid to use the time in a similar manner.
Finally, be sure you resume the conversation. Don’t let anything interfere. Cancel appointments, be late for work, whatever; if an event was critical enough to upset you and your teen and necessitate a time out, it’s important enough to top your “to do” list.